080392
Parentheses - An interruption of continuity; an interval.
"This is one of the things I wasn't prepared for — the amount of unfilled time, the long parentheses of nothing" (Margaret Atwood).
“For every period of time when you exist, short or long, there is a temporal part of you that exists only then. And for any temporal parts of any objects whatsoever, there is a larger object made up of just those parts.” - John Locke
"Every time I enunciate 'I', even in my thought, an identity is assumed, and this identity is itself not simple, but a figure of a complex gathering of personal and impersonal histories, texts, discourses, beliefs, cultural assumptions, and ideological interpellations...it is not an artifact but a process." - Richard Dyer
Sunday, October 11, 2009
i've got this strange obsession to act strong, and i hate it. deep down, im this scaredy cat who shudders at the word "dentist" and scream when i see a lizard. yet when it comes to emotional setbacks, i tend to hide my emotions from all.
why this sudden self-discovery, you ask. i fell down yesterday, in public. tyvm. frankly i cant remember the last time i fell down, so it must've been a long time. now i've fresh scars to remember for at least a month. anyway, i had this strong urge to cry 'cos it was really quite painful and i was bleeding from my knees. self-pity, much? but heck, my first aider instincts took over and i flushed the injuries with water, glared at that jarring piece of metal that is the drain cover and contemplated taking a picture of it and sending it to the RC (my dad says i should've done it). and then? i walked away without so much as a tear.
i suspect its in my subconscious; that i think crying is a sign of weakness (make that an exhibition of weakness). i do not consciously resist the urge to cry, but subconsciously i suspect i do (who can ever be sure what the sneaky subconscious does to you). even if i did, i'd laugh or scold myself after that 'cos how silly was that? as if crying could improve my plight or predicament. people say its a form of release, an overflow of emotions... catharsis. i say it yields no tangible progress and thus i should not pursue it. to be honest, i do think of crying as a public display FOR affection, or sympathy. and what's worse are the words people say when they comfort you. i know they are trying to empathise, but i really cannot help but think that their words are at best patronising and at worst, hypocritical (what better advice to follow than your own). therefore i do not usually cry (no, not even at my last break up).
upon further reflection, i've come to think that resisting the urge to let my natural emotions flow is a weakness in itself. why am i so uncomfortable in letting my emotions take the wheel? what is with this deep-set insecurity that crying is a form of weakness? if crying is so natural (according to biology the actions of our tear glands are involuntary), why am i curtailing it? isn't that unnatural? but i dont want to be unnatural. i dont want to be unfeeling to my own feelings. i dont want to rationalise my emotions. i shouldn't have to. crying is in fact a sign of strength. it shows you are able to come to terms with your own natural emotions, self-assured enough to let them out, and brave enough to allow and embrace the full wave of emotions and memories to hit upon you. after which you pick up the lessons learnt and get over the incident, move on to better things. crying could serve as a form of closure; without which, there might always be this thread of emotions which pulls you back, which you are unable to cut and leave it all behind.
i want to be able to cry,
freely.
because i almost never cry.
i never shed tears at movies (not even at the most touching climaxes in Money No Enough 2 and the Time Traveler's Wife), i never cried due to a bad fall, i never cried when i took a wrong bus and was lost and on my own, i never cried due to terrible results (not even when i was lowest in the level in sec1), i never cried at camps, i never cried when my seniors left school, i never cried at my own ROD, i never cried at big ceremonies (weddings, funerals..), i almost never cry. i can count with one hand the number of times i cried since i could remember.
this is officially unnatural.
why this sudden self-discovery, you ask. i fell down yesterday, in public. tyvm. frankly i cant remember the last time i fell down, so it must've been a long time. now i've fresh scars to remember for at least a month. anyway, i had this strong urge to cry 'cos it was really quite painful and i was bleeding from my knees. self-pity, much? but heck, my first aider instincts took over and i flushed the injuries with water, glared at that jarring piece of metal that is the drain cover and contemplated taking a picture of it and sending it to the RC (my dad says i should've done it). and then? i walked away without so much as a tear.
i suspect its in my subconscious; that i think crying is a sign of weakness (make that an exhibition of weakness). i do not consciously resist the urge to cry, but subconsciously i suspect i do (who can ever be sure what the sneaky subconscious does to you). even if i did, i'd laugh or scold myself after that 'cos how silly was that? as if crying could improve my plight or predicament. people say its a form of release, an overflow of emotions... catharsis. i say it yields no tangible progress and thus i should not pursue it. to be honest, i do think of crying as a public display FOR affection, or sympathy. and what's worse are the words people say when they comfort you. i know they are trying to empathise, but i really cannot help but think that their words are at best patronising and at worst, hypocritical (what better advice to follow than your own). therefore i do not usually cry (no, not even at my last break up).
upon further reflection, i've come to think that resisting the urge to let my natural emotions flow is a weakness in itself. why am i so uncomfortable in letting my emotions take the wheel? what is with this deep-set insecurity that crying is a form of weakness? if crying is so natural (according to biology the actions of our tear glands are involuntary), why am i curtailing it? isn't that unnatural? but i dont want to be unnatural. i dont want to be unfeeling to my own feelings. i dont want to rationalise my emotions. i shouldn't have to. crying is in fact a sign of strength. it shows you are able to come to terms with your own natural emotions, self-assured enough to let them out, and brave enough to allow and embrace the full wave of emotions and memories to hit upon you. after which you pick up the lessons learnt and get over the incident, move on to better things. crying could serve as a form of closure; without which, there might always be this thread of emotions which pulls you back, which you are unable to cut and leave it all behind.
i want to be able to cry,
freely.
because i almost never cry.
i never shed tears at movies (not even at the most touching climaxes in Money No Enough 2 and the Time Traveler's Wife), i never cried due to a bad fall, i never cried when i took a wrong bus and was lost and on my own, i never cried due to terrible results (not even when i was lowest in the level in sec1), i never cried at camps, i never cried when my seniors left school, i never cried at my own ROD, i never cried at big ceremonies (weddings, funerals..), i almost never cry. i can count with one hand the number of times i cried since i could remember.
this is officially unnatural.
Labels: cascade and rewind